Approaching November

It’s been a while, too busy. Students staying, old friend visiting from New Zealand, 11+ exam results for my first born. Why is life so busy all the time?

This week was half term and I took the week off work to juts be with my kids and chill out. It’s been amazing. I actually feel like I’ve had a break from everything. The kids are relaxed and happy and ready for school tomorrow.

So following on from my spiritual awakening, I am definitely looking through a different lens at life these days. The ability to say “no” to people without hurting their feelings seems to be a new super power I have developed this month. My ability to listen has improved, not talking over  people so much which is how I used to be.

The most notable thing I’ve observed is myself and how I look and feel at all times. I’m listening to what my body is telling me. For the last couple of years, I’ve had a very red nose and I wear makeup daily so hide it and so long as I can hide it, it’s been fine. But I finally realised that I need to find out what is causing this and eliminate it so that I can wake up and look normal for a change. My husband said he doesn’t notice it, but it’s the first thing I see when I go to the bathroom so he must be lying to make me feel better. (HE has mastered the art of not hurting someone feelings some time ago). What is more alarming for me though is that my youngest son is 8 and he notices everything and he reacts to his body and it’s fatigue, or aching or discomfort and has been regularly telling me and I’ve been telling him it’s growing pains…but it’s not. He is also highly sensitive to the world and notices how his body feels and isn’t ignoring it. I looked back at my childhood and realised that I was the same kid. The one that always screamed at the slightest pain but by the teen years, was breaking her arm and her nose and her finger playing competitive sport and not even wincing. I had dulled my physical pain because of a lack a parental support. I’d conditioned myself not to feel things. I realised, sadly, that this is what I had been doing with my son. Poo-pooing his complaints and not taking him seriously. Now I know differently, I need to reverse the damage.He’s only 8, so I hope I can repair some of it.

The importance of the right parental guidance cannot be stressed enough at this juncture. I didn’t realise what a mess you can make of parenting without even trying, just from your own conditionings.

 

I watched SPlit last night with James McAvoy and was terrified and also curious about how much damage a mother can do to her child. I think this is where my train of thought came from today!

 

 

Namaste people

 

The healing power of spirit

So…been feeling a bit weird recently. Blocked up. Looking at things differently.

Feeling more sociable but it feels forced somehow. So I googled ” spiritual healer” and a lady called Mary popped up so I went to see her Friday..wow.

Her website said she was a hypnotherapy spiritual healer and she could do past life regressions and all that jazz so I thought I’d go along and see what was holding back my potential. Why am I so compelled to go the extra mile ALL THE TIME, running myself into the ground for other folk.

I was not expecting what I got.

If you have had a traumatic life for an extended period of time in your life, you should definitely do this. No mattter what faith you are, go with an open heart and an open mind and you will feel better. I promise.

Let me just be clear..I’ve had reiki and it did nothing for me – could have been a bad therapist, who knows. I’ve read tarot since I was 20, a long time. I use my dowsing crystal and most of all, I listen to my gut about things. I’m usually never wrong. But I let me logical thoughts take over. I keep reading that if you knew how powerful your thougths were, you’d watch what you think. I now believe it.

The session lasted for over an hour and I’ve never been so profoundly affected by spirit in my life. The painful emotions I’d been carrying around all my life from the various horrific events and traumatic experiences, all relating to my family, were finally released. I cannot express strongly enough what a relief it was to finally experience unconditional love. I’m not religious, but I do believe in something, a feeling, a oneness that we are all connected- for sure – but this event has changed my life. I will watch my thoughts, my actions, my words and my compassion level will rise unreservedly.

If you are struggling and carrying something, go see a spiritual healer. Get to the bottom of it and ditch the tin of biscuits, or the booze or the other addiction you may have.

Quote of the day is:

” If you’ve got nothing nice to say, stay quiet”

Namaste

 

 

 

I think I wanna live in Yoga pants every damn day

So , week 2 of the school holidays and i’m chilling with my kids, little bit of working inbetween, bit of catching up with old friends…

My youngest son, Mike,8, came to my yoga class last week- first class ever for him. He was ace. I love that he loves Yoga already. He tried so many different sports and activities and they never stick with him, but this one, he could do Yoga AAALLL day long and be happy. I am sure he is an empath like me so I have to do this, give him the tools to deal with his emotions and be able to handle what life throws at him. His sense of peace when he’s not at school is amazing. His confidence just rebounds off him and I feel blessed that I’m doing a good job raising him and his brother and keeping our family happy and healthy.

My big thoughts this week have been about how to maintain my inner peace in a world that says if you’re not friends on facebook or liking all my instagrams you can’t possibly be a real friend. I wonder when this happened? When did the world decide that friendship meant letting people look into your life and watch it, from the comfort of their armchair, on their iphone?

After performing a massive cull of most of the women from school on my facebook account and stopping posting anything on facebook whatsoever, I feel liberated. Literally..liberated from the conditioning that I’m defined by what others can see of my life. My brothers wife was terrible for posting happy smoochy pictures of her and my brother..I knew all along their relationship was rocky and a week before she ditched him and his children and moved out, she’d posted another smoochy pic of her and him, declaring endless love… makes me cynical and wonder what really is going on in peoples’ lives and why they need to fake their existence. Why can’t they just be themselves and be happy with it or if they’re so unhappy, make positive changes to make it as close to their preferred way as possible?

Heavy thoughts this Wonderful Wednesday…enjoy reading.

Namaste everyone

 

 

 

 

 

 

Counting down to the end of school term

 

So…chatting with my boss the other day at work. He’s an army brat – now a successful business man with his own company – in which I work as the office manager. I like it. He’s crude, nosy, extremely chatty,and I like him. Our new office is all clean and shiny so I said we have to keep it that way. The last place was like a dirty little student hovel and I refuse to be reduced to working in this environment again! So I brought in some rules..I also brought in a group budget for lunches. They all give me a fiver a week and I prepare healthfilled lunches. This week was giant couscous salad with green salad, cucumber salad, feta, olives…you name it, if it’s healthy it was on their plates and they LOVED it. Before, the boss would eat cereal at his desk for lunch. The other 2 would go off and buy a loaded pasty or some other horrific prepared food from the local shop. Now we sit together, we enjoy the food and everyone seems to be feeling better for it. I like it. It takes time for me to think what to feed them but it’s helping me get my creativity back. It was asleep for so long.  It fills me up with joy when I see them clear their plates, knowing they’ve had their five a day thanks to me. Humbled.

I’ve been reading ” Breathe” magazine today. It’s so relaxing, I fell asleep and almost missed my sons’ assembly! Horror of horrors! Read it, it’s amazing.

School reports came out yesterday and both were absolutely glowing. So proud of my little green men and their joy filled little lives.

I want to introduce a quote of the day to my blog, something to make you feel good about what you have. Todays’ is:

” The struggle ends when gratitude begins”

 

Namaste everyone

 

 

 

 

Book reviewer!

So today was hotter than hell here in old Blighty, 32 degrees on my car thermometer I was informed. Scorchiooooo…. The office was a whole other level of heat, I left after 3 hours. Retired to my garden to ponder life and read this, my most amazing book find EVER I think. ” The year of living Danishly” by Helen Russell… a girl at school loaned it to me, as I’d been telling her about reading about this Hygge phenomenon. I was actually laughing out loud whilst waiting at the gymnastics cafe for my son..It is superbly written. I have a girl crush on Helen already. Having relocated to The Netherlands after breaking up with my boyfriend many years ago, I can totally empathise with the weird world of the unknown country thing. If you like travel and the weird things that happen to people when they travel- which they always do, right? – then you’ll LOVE this book. I’m only a third of the way through at the moment, so watch this space…

In other shocking news, I cannot believe that some moron drove his car into a Mosque to kill Muslims in protest against the terrorist monkeys..I mean really? I thought that the show of unity from all religions in London after the awful Grenfell towers fire, was a real kick in the face to the terrorists and a big F*** You..and then this…what is happening to mankind? The kind seems to have gone from the Man….

So sad.

 

Namaste eveyrone, be kind. Always.

Day 3 of the zenpenblog

Just back from a week in Northern Cyrpus…Weird, it’s not a recognised country so…felt like I’d gone into space or something. What a place though! Highly recommend it. Waking at 8am in the morning to bright sunshine , sitting in my pjs with a green tea, drinking it on my lounger with nothing but a couple of lizards and a million ants (they get into everything, but mostly the nutella)….then the kids wandered down, jumped into our private pool (the house belongs to my husbands colleague, Carson – never met him, but he let us stay FOC for as long as we wanted..nice guy Carson).

After a couple of days just hanging out and recovering from a busy half term of school, work, committments, we started to explore the area. The Five Finger Mountain range reminded me of California Route 1. It’s absoltuely stunning. Everything about this area, I liked, particularly the people.  I didn’t see a single brand ANYWHERE. No GAP t shirts – only the husbands ! – no Marks and Spencer (It’s not a recognised country so no franchises) but best of all NO MCDONALDS!!!! This separated it from California, which has a McDonalds every 500 metres or so..

Being into History, I borrowed a book- The Genocide Files, which goes indepth into how the island got divided. At Kyrenia there is a castle- amazing castle – with information about what went on there. If you’re an empath like me, you’ll feel the vibes the minute you go inside it. It’s intense. Go there. Beautiful. The Harbour is FILLED to brimming with sales men trying to get you to buy their boat trips..hilarious.

Refreshed from the week away and focusing on ‘Daring Greatly’, a self help guide by Brene Brown, about how vulnerability is the key to a happy life. I’ll have to leave my hulk costume and my overcritical shouting in my desk and throw away the key to unleash my vulnerability but..hey ho, you gotta try.

 

Namaste everyone.

 

 

 

 

Day 3 of myzenpen

Wednesday 24th March, so…interesting day today. Met the landlord of our new offices..turns out he’s a multi squillionaire land owner, 200 years of family ownership…nice. He likes to talk about it too. Likes the women too..myself and my boss’ wife had to watch him. Googled the guy and wow, scandalous !!! So that was fairly unexpected. Not sure we should rent from him though, might be icky. He holds massive swingers parties on his land… my psychic said I should expect many invitations..she also said I move house and change job so….maybe he has something to do with this. WATCH THIS SPACE. Ha!

So todays Zen thoughts were as follows….

I rock up to school today in a skirt and white vest. My normal attire is skinny jeans – and I’m not even skinny! – and a top. Wowsers, did those mothers stare and stare some more… It’s amazing how horribly comparative women can be. I don’t get it at all. Then I get to work to have my female colleague also comment on my skirt, in a not so nice way, more of a ‘ huh, so that’s how its gonna be’..kinda way. and I reasoned that, because I don’t plaster my life on social media sites and the nosey mothers can’t see what I’m doing in my life and then beat themselves up trying to keep up, they hate it. Absoltuely hate it. My little son shouted out at school that we were going to Cyprus..also not received well.. is it me or is it this town? Is it the county as a whole? Is it WARWICKSHIRE? Land of the competitively comparative? Or is it me? I wonder..

I’m an empath, it’s horrific. I feel everything about a million times worse than anyone else I know. This has 1 of 2 consequences…the first is that I get so tied up in my emotions that I do something stupid- happens ALOT. The second is that I let the emotion consume my every waking day and just collapse into myself and don’t want to communicate with anyone AT ALL. It’s terrible for my friendships. I find most of them DRAINING. I get tired just listening to peoples gripes and groans. I reason to stay away and keep myself to myself..then people think I’M the weird one…why do we have to all fit in and be sociable. I don’t mind a bit of chitter chatter but on my terms. If I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I should be allowed to be left alone right?

DRAINED>

 

NAMASTE xxx

Funny old days

I like to tell stories, and I have many..I look back and wonder how it is I came to have such events occur in my life…they’re bizarre, random and some would say utterly ridiculous, but they’re mine and people laugh at them most of the time. So here’s one to get us started on this journey.

I was a successful contract negotiator on a massive oil project in Russia ..I say successful, I was pretty and funny and I looked good next to the wrinkly old senior negotiators so I got the job. Wrong I know, but I didn’t care at the time. I’d just escaped an awful possible future, if I needed to be pretty to get the job, so be it. I could live with it. I travelled, made big money, bought a house, found a man….and then. BOOM. TWENTY SEVEN years old, and without the slightest inkling it was coming, there was a strange daily occurence in my life that I’d not suffered before….the loud, irritating, unstoppable ticking of my biological clock. The mortality of my ovaries was staring me in the face with every newborn baby I saw. It was like a different me had emerged, one that I didn’t recognise and my boyfriend – now husband- got quite a shock. As far as he was concerned we were a DINKY – double income no kids yet, kinda couple….what now????

Well…with the horrific research indicating that the quality of eggs and sperm goes into rapid decline from the age of 30, super achieving me took the executive decision to push out the boat and go for 2 kids before I hit 35…which was tricky as my husband is a purist and although we were living in Holland, the land of the non conformist, he refused to have kids before we were married….

Finally after a 1 year engagement and a wedding I could quite easily have lived without, we were onto the real stuff…only it didn’t happen. I took every test, was told by a very nice Gynaecologist that I had the ” best looking follicles she’d seen in a while’, eliminating my worry about the mortality of my ovaries..atleast.

One quiet Sunday morning the new husband was banished to the downstairs loo with an online  sperm testing kit, only to reappear looking like the Scorpion King- on a bad day – with a purple specimen which indicated he had the best sperm for miles around. Not his fault either then…so what was going on….

Ahhhh…worrying. That was it. Bloody worrying. Worrying about worrying about worrying. This was to be a trend in my life. One that would be my downfall 2 years ago. But everything that goes down, can rise up again…this will be my story..of how to rise up when it all looks like it’s gone down the crapper.

 

Namaste readers

Day one of the zenblog

So, Monday the 22nd May in sunny Stratford Upon Avon, Warwickshire..that’s England if you didn’t know. Home of the historical writer Shakespeares corpse, locked up tight in the Holy Trinity, sealed with a curse..you need to read it to believe it.

I’ve decidede to blog to get me into writing again after a long pause following a burglary at my home 3 years ago. Since it happened I’ve sort of been in limbo and in

Today I went to my office job, for a very funny, tactile, switched on guy whose only aim in life seems to be to have fun. I think he might have hit the nail on the head with his goal in life…anyway, I’m sat there in the office wondering about life. Wondering what is the point. Aftert countless self help books following a bumpy start to life for the first TWENTY ONE years of my life, I decided to find out the meaning of life and jot down my thoughts.Come along for the ride. When  I look back on my life, I wonder how on earth it happened. How can it have been so varied? What on earth is around the corner? And what are the universes clues to working out why I’m here…..