New, Dry Year 2018 we are again. Got through Christmas with some great books to read. Just polished off ” Can you Keep a Secret?” by Karen Perry check it out. It’s a great read, and I really didn’t expect the twist. Couldn’t put it down.

Christmas up north. With the fam. A brother I hadn’t seen for 16 years who came back into my life 11 years ago following an awful family feud with our parents. I still have to pinch myself that he’s back in my life permanently. It’s been 11 years since we reconnected and I have to say, we don’t argue much and accept each other for what we are with our very different memories of childhood.

I also read ” The Choice” by Edith Eger, a holocaust survivor. Amazing woman, check her out too..

Excellent read.

I thought I had resolve….this woman wiped the floor with my resilience. I actually felt like a wimp 😦

New Year with friends in Sussex was good.

Happy 2018 peeps


Big Love


Dry January – almost there..or am I..

So, 29th January. 29 solid days booze free. Birthday on the 21st, I drove us to a restaurant where we dined with the in laws. Who drank. My husband included. After being asked by the MIL if I’d like a Prosecco for my birthday, I politely said ” No thanks, Dry January, I’m doing so well. I’ll have a lime and soda.” Usually this kind of response is not welcome and I’ve been further encouraged to ‘just have the one for my birthday’. This time..not so. I think it was the way I delivered the message. Quite calm, nicely worded. Emotionless. Just a fact really. I’m not drinking in January. End of.

It was so….empowering.

So now that I’ve realised I have an actual superpower which actually has loads of benefits…..

the main ones being:

Flatter than flat stomach (Holy Moly, I could be 25!)

Collapsing into bed at 11.30- EARLIEST and still struggling to get to sleep (this is a massive change for me. I was always too tired to stay up past 9.30, if I was lucky)

Bouncing out of bed in the morning and not rushing around wondering what I’ve forgotten

….well, I kinda like the new me

The main downside?

My skin. Talk about dermatological eruption of epic proportion..I think the amount I used to drink- about 20 units a week I think, average, must have just sat inside me for years. And now it’s pouring out of me. My whole face is like a giant ball of puss. It’s gross. I can see the mothers at school staring at me. And that’s with almost 2 feet of foundation on, trying to hide the puss fountain that is my face! My children are even slightly disturbed. My son cracked open his Aloe Vera plant and said I should try it, might help my skin!

So I did.I’ll let you know.

What else have I discovered about not drinking?

I’ve really started to notice how I’m feeling and how to fix it. So I know if I’m hungry or thirsty or tired, or just need a rest. It’s so weird. I had no idea that I had dulled my senses so spectacularly.

It’s almost the end of January but I have no desire to touch a drop of alcohol. My green tea stash arrives tomorrow so I’m going to keep drinking the green stuff and eating the olives and see how February pans out. Who knows, at age 43, I might have kicked the habit…finally.


Watch this space


Namaste people

Big Love






So… been a solid drinker from the age of 17… took a few years off when preganant but once the kids hit 3 years old, there I went, back on the wagon of love…or is it?

I always try to do dry January to convince myself I’m not a problem drinker or have a dependency. I grew up in a household where mother was drunk and a secret drinker and drove me to college whilst drunk..I didn’t realise it at the time. I just thought she was nuts.

I ran away a week before my 18th and moved in with a friend from work and her family..Lo and behold, also heavy drinkers but not secret ones. A whole new breed of drinkers. In fact, drinking was encouraged. Wednesday pub quiz night was THE night for the parents to take their 2 daughters and moi out to the pub to get hammered. I remember falling asleep on the table during the quiz because I was way over my limit but being chastised the next day for being ‘slack’. Then University came along at 21. Within 3 months I’d broken my nose on the toilet door – opened it on myself , ofcourse! – and had far too many to recall, nights where I was just not compos mentis. I finished University and split with the boyfriend, only to end up in Amsterdam – village of the damned, as I lovingly named it, with a new drug – marijuana. Wow, that stuff made me laugh and laugh and laugh a bit more…but I always preferred the booze to the smoke so my cravings continued. Then I land a job for an oil company where drinking is the way you relax, every night.

I could go on but I won’t…

My life had been an endless encouragement to drink myself to oblivion. Which is weird since I lived with an alcomom and usually kids of these people, don’t drink. But it was forced down my neck at every interval and here in ole Blighty it’s just not the done thing to say, ‘I don’t drink’. It’s like you’ve just condemned the person who IS drinking.

I had it again recently.Started my new job, small family run business, boss liked to have a drink, invites me amd my whole family over for drinks on Saturdays….they just never ended. If I tried to sneak off to bed at 1am I’d be told I was a light weight…after 7 solid hours of prosecco and endless bags of crisps and popcorn. After 3 such events, my husband and I decided that we would no longer sleep over and that one of us would drive- usually me. The boss actually poured whisky into my coffee one night! Determined to make me drink and stay the night..

These people are everywhere.

I watched my husband and my best friend of 20 years and HER husband on New Years eve, drinking all sorts of spirits, wines and beers from 5pm til almost 3am on New Years’ Day. I had 2 glasses of prosecco and a relatively good nights’ sleep. They all woke to a houseful of children – ours – with sore heads, red eyes, bad breathe and couldn’t eat their New Years’ Day lunch or be bothered to do anything in fact. I sat smug, knowing I had started my year off the way I wanted it to continue.

So far, I’ve been dry for 17 days and I am not craving anything. I’ve switched my vodka and orange for ginger ale and lime slice with ice. I’m not pigging out on crisps every night or waking up fuzzy headed and grumpy with the kids. My kids are 9 and 10 and they know when something is off with me now. I don’t want them to think grumpy is the norm for me. I don’t want them to think drinking at home is OK and is HOW IT’S DONE. I just don’t want my kids growing up to think that drinking is how you mask your problems.

I finally realised why I drank. It was the mask over me. The light stealer. The soul killer. The memory murderer.

I finally broke free.

Food for thought.

Nasaste people




December Thoughts

So … I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I liked my job..ish. The hours were flexible for school runs with the kids, the money was good, and I didn’t work during half term breaks. I got on well with people and tried to introduce new things but..I’ve realised, I’m a fixer. If I see someone broken, I am so in there trying to find a solution to their problems. I introduced lunches. I made them! Healthy salads, quinoa, pasta salads, you name it, I tried to drag them out of their unhealthy eating routines and introduce them to wholesome food. It didn’t work. The amount of booze sunk at the weekends all but annihilated any goodness I talked them into between Monday and Friday. I realise that I’m better at looking after other people than I am myself. If I applied the same devotion and love to caring for myself, I’d be the Dalai Lama!!

My one success was my male, heavily overweight colleague. He has genuinely taken my warnings about his long term health seriously and has shed an enormous amount of weight in the last 12 months. He has changed his diet completely and knocked those late night snacking habits right on the head. I’m proud of him. I had to quit my job 2 weeks ago due to a disagreement with the Director. He thinks I should lie to his wife about something that happened at work. I said no. It felt great. The weird thing though is that I’ve had a pain in my shoulder since I started working for him and the minute I walked out, BOOM, the pain was gone. We don’t realise how much pain and emotion we carry around with us, so if you have a beef with someone, sort it, or it’ll manifest physically. Trust me.

I follow a person on Instagram called Fuckology..I swear, they make my day. One of their best quotes this week was ” Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum. Then I take a good look around at everyone and realise… maybe I am.”


Namaste people, take care of yourselves






Approaching November

It’s been a while, too busy. Students staying, old friend visiting from New Zealand, 11+ exam results for my first born. Why is life so busy all the time?

This week was half term and I took the week off work to juts be with my kids and chill out. It’s been amazing. I actually feel like I’ve had a break from everything. The kids are relaxed and happy and ready for school tomorrow.

So following on from my spiritual awakening, I am definitely looking through a different lens at life these days. The ability to say “no” to people without hurting their feelings seems to be a new super power I have developed this month. My ability to listen has improved, not talking over  people so much which is how I used to be.

The most notable thing I’ve observed is myself and how I look and feel at all times. I’m listening to what my body is telling me. For the last couple of years, I’ve had a very red nose and I wear makeup daily so hide it and so long as I can hide it, it’s been fine. But I finally realised that I need to find out what is causing this and eliminate it so that I can wake up and look normal for a change. My husband said he doesn’t notice it, but it’s the first thing I see when I go to the bathroom so he must be lying to make me feel better. (HE has mastered the art of not hurting someone feelings some time ago). What is more alarming for me though is that my youngest son is 8 and he notices everything and he reacts to his body and it’s fatigue, or aching or discomfort and has been regularly telling me and I’ve been telling him it’s growing pains…but it’s not. He is also highly sensitive to the world and notices how his body feels and isn’t ignoring it. I looked back at my childhood and realised that I was the same kid. The one that always screamed at the slightest pain but by the teen years, was breaking her arm and her nose and her finger playing competitive sport and not even wincing. I had dulled my physical pain because of a lack a parental support. I’d conditioned myself not to feel things. I realised, sadly, that this is what I had been doing with my son. Poo-pooing his complaints and not taking him seriously. Now I know differently, I need to reverse the damage.He’s only 8, so I hope I can repair some of it.

The importance of the right parental guidance cannot be stressed enough at this juncture. I didn’t realise what a mess you can make of parenting without even trying, just from your own conditionings.


I watched SPlit last night with James McAvoy and was terrified and also curious about how much damage a mother can do to her child. I think this is where my train of thought came from today!



Namaste people


The healing power of spirit

So…been feeling a bit weird recently. Blocked up. Looking at things differently.

Feeling more sociable but it feels forced somehow. So I googled ” spiritual healer” and a lady called Mary popped up so I went to see her

Her website said she was a hypnotherapy spiritual healer and she could do past life regressions and all that jazz so I thought I’d go along and see what was holding back my potential. Why am I so compelled to go the extra mile ALL THE TIME, running myself into the ground for other folk.

I was not expecting what I got.

If you have had a traumatic life for an extended period of time in your life, you should definitely do this. No mattter what faith you are, go with an open heart and an open mind and you will feel better. I promise.

Let me just be clear..I’ve had reiki and it did nothing for me – could have been a bad therapist, who knows. I’ve read tarot since I was 20, a long time. I use my dowsing crystal and most of all, I listen to my gut about things. I’m usually never wrong. But I let me logical thoughts take over. I keep reading that if you knew how powerful your thougths were, you’d watch what you think. I now believe it.

The session lasted for over an hour and I’ve never been so profoundly affected by spirit in my life. The painful emotions I’d been carrying around all my life from the various horrific events and traumatic experiences, all relating to my family, were finally released. I cannot express strongly enough what a relief it was to finally experience unconditional love. I’m not religious, but I do believe in something, a feeling, a oneness that we are all connected- for sure – but this event has changed my life. I will watch my thoughts, my actions, my words and my compassion level will rise unreservedly.

If you are struggling and carrying something, go see a spiritual healer. Get to the bottom of it and ditch the tin of biscuits, or the booze or the other addiction you may have.

Quote of the day is:

” If you’ve got nothing nice to say, stay quiet”





I think I wanna live in Yoga pants every damn day

So , week 2 of the school holidays and i’m chilling with my kids, little bit of working inbetween, bit of catching up with old friends…

My youngest son, Mike,8, came to my yoga class last week- first class ever for him. He was ace. I love that he loves Yoga already. He tried so many different sports and activities and they never stick with him, but this one, he could do Yoga AAALLL day long and be happy. I am sure he is an empath like me so I have to do this, give him the tools to deal with his emotions and be able to handle what life throws at him. His sense of peace when he’s not at school is amazing. His confidence just rebounds off him and I feel blessed that I’m doing a good job raising him and his brother and keeping our family happy and healthy.

My big thoughts this week have been about how to maintain my inner peace in a world that says if you’re not friends on facebook or liking all my instagrams you can’t possibly be a real friend. I wonder when this happened? When did the world decide that friendship meant letting people look into your life and watch it, from the comfort of their armchair, on their iphone?

After performing a massive cull of most of the women from school on my facebook account and stopping posting anything on facebook whatsoever, I feel liberated. Literally..liberated from the conditioning that I’m defined by what others can see of my life. My brothers wife was terrible for posting happy smoochy pictures of her and my brother..I knew all along their relationship was rocky and a week before she ditched him and his children and moved out, she’d posted another smoochy pic of her and him, declaring endless love… makes me cynical and wonder what really is going on in peoples’ lives and why they need to fake their existence. Why can’t they just be themselves and be happy with it or if they’re so unhappy, make positive changes to make it as close to their preferred way as possible?

Heavy thoughts this Wonderful Wednesday…enjoy reading.

Namaste everyone







Counting down to the end of school term


So…chatting with my boss the other day at work. He’s an army brat – now a successful business man with his own company – in which I work as the office manager. I like it. He’s crude, nosy, extremely chatty,and I like him. Our new office is all clean and shiny so I said we have to keep it that way. The last place was like a dirty little student hovel and I refuse to be reduced to working in this environment again! So I brought in some rules..I also brought in a group budget for lunches. They all give me a fiver a week and I prepare healthfilled lunches. This week was giant couscous salad with green salad, cucumber salad, feta, olives…you name it, if it’s healthy it was on their plates and they LOVED it. Before, the boss would eat cereal at his desk for lunch. The other 2 would go off and buy a loaded pasty or some other horrific prepared food from the local shop. Now we sit together, we enjoy the food and everyone seems to be feeling better for it. I like it. It takes time for me to think what to feed them but it’s helping me get my creativity back. It was asleep for so long.  It fills me up with joy when I see them clear their plates, knowing they’ve had their five a day thanks to me. Humbled.

I’ve been reading ” Breathe” magazine today. It’s so relaxing, I fell asleep and almost missed my sons’ assembly! Horror of horrors! Read it, it’s amazing.

School reports came out yesterday and both were absolutely glowing. So proud of my little green men and their joy filled little lives.

I want to introduce a quote of the day to my blog, something to make you feel good about what you have. Todays’ is:

” The struggle ends when gratitude begins”


Namaste everyone





Book reviewer!

So today was hotter than hell here in old Blighty, 32 degrees on my car thermometer I was informed. Scorchiooooo…. The office was a whole other level of heat, I left after 3 hours. Retired to my garden to ponder life and read this, my most amazing book find EVER I think. ” The year of living Danishly” by Helen Russell… a girl at school loaned it to me, as I’d been telling her about reading about this Hygge phenomenon. I was actually laughing out loud whilst waiting at the gymnastics cafe for my son..It is superbly written. I have a girl crush on Helen already. Having relocated to The Netherlands after breaking up with my boyfriend many years ago, I can totally empathise with the weird world of the unknown country thing. If you like travel and the weird things that happen to people when they travel- which they always do, right? – then you’ll LOVE this book. I’m only a third of the way through at the moment, so watch this space…

In other shocking news, I cannot believe that some moron drove his car into a Mosque to kill Muslims in protest against the terrorist monkeys..I mean really? I thought that the show of unity from all religions in London after the awful Grenfell towers fire, was a real kick in the face to the terrorists and a big F*** You..and then this…what is happening to mankind? The kind seems to have gone from the Man….

So sad.


Namaste eveyrone, be kind. Always.